New Kraft Macaroni Recipe Fails to Cause Internal Afterglow
Some bad news for Kraft Foods as well as its many loyal customers, a class action lawsuit has just been filed accusing the brand of losing its mojo. Apparently, while the company has boasted of a recent switch to a “new and improved” recipe free of artificial ingredients without anyone noticing, they didn’t take into account that the magic of the original formula had been lost.
Unbeknownst the Kraft organization, a sub-culture of “Kraft-Lighters” has existed for quite some time. Also known as “The Kraft” for short, these macaroni aficionados meet in secret in order to engage in what they call “Kraft-Magic” With the help of a special green light used to assess internal afterglow levels following the consumption of specific process foods, the members would slowly eat pounds of Kraft macaroni and cheese, and watch as the special mixture made their insides glow a hue of goldish yellow. Likened to sungazing, those who engage in “Kaft-Magic” believe that with the help of Kraft’s special rays, they could survive off of Kraft macaroni alone. However, after members began to crave harmful substances such as fruits, vegetables, and water, the member began to suspect the magic had been lost. These fears were only further validated when the company came out and openly admitted to getting rid of the artificial ingredients.
“This is outrageous!” Billy Notwell, a mechanic and longtime member of “The Kraft” exclaimed. “I ate an apple last night and my friend’s kids keep requesting peas and broccoli! They could have warned us. We have been loyal customers for decades and they just up and change everything!”
The customers have filed a class-action lawsuit to the tune of two billion dollars. “They have kids eating this stuff, do they have any remorse?”, questioned Sandra “Internal Fire” Lawonda, a young mother and new member to the secret group. “My insides look normal for the first time in months. America has lost its way. Without my insides glowing, what makes me special?”