Where the Easter Bunny Really Gets That Candy
Kids have long wondered where a giant rabbit with no factories, no established base camp complete with helpers (like Santa’s North Pole) and no known source of income has been able to provide baskets heavily laden with candy every Easter season. We sent one of our undercover experts to investigate and finally reveal the shocking truth. Our insider was able to secure an exclusive interview with a condifential informant, known only as “Jingle” that reveals just where the so-called Easter Bunny’s chocolate really comes from.
The Theories: The Bunny Poops Chocolate One original and longstanding theory was that the Easter Bunny simply lays chocolate, just like chickens lay eggs. While this was once a popular notion, it has been debunked by rabbit experts in recent years. “Rabbits don’t have the same reproductive tract as chickens, so they can’[t actually lay eggs, chocolate or otherwise”, according to Dr’ Lapin, a leading bunny expert at Watership University in England. Rabbits also consume their own droppings at an alarming rate through a process called Coprophagy, so their would be no chocolate left for even a single child, let alone a global community of children, the doctor advises, thoroughly debunking the “Easter Bunny poops candy” theory for good.
A South Pole Base? “Polers” believe that the Easter Bunny actually has a secret base, just like his Christmastime counterpart. Set up in the freezing south, he works tirelessly to produce, wrap and deliver candy around the world, one night a year. His delivery system would have to be incredibly complex, since there is no “naughty or nice” list and virtually all recipients ask for the same thing – candy. Recent allergy concerns and the moving target date for Easter make this theory a logistical nightmare. A recent exploration of the South pole found only a large colony of penguins and no oversized rabbits of any type, candy producing or not.
With both popular theories debunked, an undercover investigation was the only way to go. Our hidden camera caught an oversized rabbit shopping in a big box store, just days after Easter 2014. The rabbit, wearing a dress and high heels to disguise his identity (though his ears were still exposed, hinting at rumors of a Bruce Jenner-like transition in the works). The rabbit was seen loading up multiple carts with candy marked “90% off” and $.25/bag. After using copious amounts of coupons to further cut the cost, the rabbit proceeded to repeat this performance at Walmarts, Targets and Costcos across the country and then storing the candy in packed storage units until the following Easter.
While we have not yet uncovered the distribution process, the acquisition explains the candy’s source – and why it is always so stale. We’ll continue in our efforts to uncover the rest of the Rabbit’s unsavory practices in our three part series “ The Easter Bunny’s Lies Exposed”.